Jun

Restoring Intimacy in a Relationship

Simple Ways to Start Restoring Intimacy in Your Relationship

Last time, we chatted about the common reasons for intimacy problems in a relationship. If you haven’t read it yet, you can check it out here. Today, we talk about how we can begin restoring intimacy in your relationship.

When emotional distance has become a habit, you increase the likelihood of relationship breakdown. The risk of not opening up is far greater than the risk of being honest. Resolving intimacy issues very often requires both people to be open, honest, considerate and non-judgemental. It also requires vulnerability. Let’s get started.

May

Intimacy Problems in a Relationship

Common Reasons for Intimacy Problems in a Relationship

A lot of men have intimacy problems because they have been taught to believe that vulnerability is a weakness; that men must be strong and in control. This perceived need for men to hide any weakness can interfere with their ability to experience real closeness. But intimacy always involves some degree of vulnerability.

Intimacy is emotional closeness when two people are able to be open with one another and reveal their true feeling, thoughts, fear and desires. It is more than just touching, kissing, holding hands or having sex. But this can only occur when both parties are genuinely trusting of one another and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable. Intimacy is a universal human need; without it we experience loneliness. And this lack of intimacy is one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relationships.

Apr

Depression Explained

What is Depression? The Low Down on Feeling Low:

Everybody feels sad from time to time. Sometimes that sadness is darker and deeper, usually morphing from one to the other when something horrible has happened. But the depression I’m talking about is more than just feeling sad. It is feeling sad… and helpless… and hopeless… and miserable… and numb more intensely and for longer periods of time than those who are sad, often without apparent reason. Nothing seems worth the energy it requires.

Nov

Get better connection|Relationship coaching Brisbane

Connection and better communication

In the last blog post, I described a theory that attempts to explain why men communicate differently to women. Please keep in mind that this a theory but it rings true. For many women you gauge if you are ok by the conversations you have, the company you keep and the friendships you have with other women. It should come as no surprise however that men are often very different. When men are gathered together talk always turns to rugby, cars, mechanics, jobs, just pick one. We need a project with an outcome, a problem looking for a solution and fixing stuff tells us we are ok. No wonder we have communication problems. He is always giving you sage advice about relationships at work, friendships and siblings? He is always coming up with a solid solution to your ‘problems’. That’s what we do. Action is equal to adequacy! We are really comfortable in this space because we look like we are competent. From the outside, we have our stuff together.

Men are generally are more interested in things. How things work, what things do etc. The energy you put towards emotional connection is the same way we put energy towards things. Here’s an example. If you get the chance, stand next to a man who is enthusiastic about cars as he looks under the bonnet of a finely crafted custom car for the first time. Watch him stare in awe the pristine engine, listen to him making admiring hmm’s and ah’s, with a comment here and a comment there. Watch him stand back in awe as the V8 engine purrs. Most of us are inspired by this kind of stuff. It could equally be a new software program, computer game or a football game.

Men recognise and respect that whoever put the effort into building this machine had to plan well, design well, he had to make challenging decisions and often tricky ones. He had to overcome obstacles and fight with the possibility of failure along the way. But in the end, he triumphed and succeeded in building a thing of beauty. We as men celebrate that, and recognise the effort and hard work gone into such an endeavor. In a word it is respect.

Now, what is the keyword in that last paragraph? You might be surprised to hear that it is ‘END’. There is a starting point, an objective and an outcome, an end. When the objective is clear, a man can set about achieving that objective. And this is the point I am trying to make here. When conversations with our partners, including relationship conflict and talks that require an emotional engagement, are required we fear they will be open-ended and unsolvable and then we panic and relationship dread kicks in. And this often leads to communication problems.

And this is why it is called male relational dread. Because men often believe that if we engage with our partner in an emotionally charged conversation that has no end there’s no telling what might happen. Any conversation with charged emotions has the potential to bring up vulnerabilities and shame.

And it is worth keeping in mind that because we instinctively feel you, as a woman, have a clear advantage over us men in this department we are less likely to want to stay there long. To us it looks like a game with a winner and loser. And we will be the loser. Next time we look at how you can both have deep and meaningful’s and constructive arguments at the same time

Jul

Men And Anger Control Problems

Men out there, can you control your anger?

…You hate getting angry.

…You promised your partner you wouldn’t let your anger consume you. But here you are – fuming again. And regardless of how you got here, again, you want to get advice for better anger control.

Picture this! Your partner raises a once very scary issue with you. But this time you calmly listen to her and together you come up with a plan to solve it. She may say something like: “I don’t think we have enough money this month to cover all these bills” And you say: “Ok honey, where do you think we might be able to delay payment or – (fill in the space) -. Lets look at our options!”

Wouldn’t that be nice eh! NO anger, just reasonable responses to reasonable situations. Unfortunately there is a long way between the first paragraph and the next paragraph if you are prone to anger. A very long way!

…Imagine no more explosions of anger. No more threatening behaviour. No more begging and pleading for forgiveness. No more depressive mood swings. Can you imagine your partner’s delight and surprise to discover that the man she loves has changed into a loving caring partner and father? The kids will even want to hang with you. Would you dare to believe that anxiety would vanish, depression become a thing of the past, and you see a family worth fighting for?

With a few simple tools and an attitude adjustment you can make the change for better anger control. But before you embark on life changing heart and head surgery you must first identify and eliminate a few things in your life that are preventing you from giving your best.

If you answer YES to any of these questions then it is probably time to take a good hard look at yourself and your behaviour. Nothing is scarier than a man who doesn’t know why he is angry.

6 Things to consider for better anger control:

1. Are you surrounding yourself with the wrong people?

You will never get ahead or break bad habits if you are running with a crowd that is constantly trying to one up one another or encourage each other to do stupid reckless acts. I am not suggesting you to ditch your good friends, but I do think it’s smart to consider whether your friends always act in your best interests.Likewise listen to their language and make a distinction between words that promote healthy thinking or words that bring others down.Instead, look for like-minded people who appreciate you for who you are even if you can’t be doing some of the things you did in the past.

2. Do you have an “as soon as…” mentality?

This is the downfall of many. There is always had an excuse for why you can’t get your anger under control.

As soon as the holidays are over, I’ll do an anger course.
As soon as I get a better paying job, I’ll stop being angry.
As soon as she stops arguing with me I’ll stop getting angry.
As soon as I get the respect I deserve the sooner I will quit shouting.
As soon as the kids start doing what I say I’ll start being calmer.

The timing will never be perfect. Smart anger management is like dieting and exercise. You will always find a reason to put it off. Waiting for the stars to align is a sure-fire way to remain an angry man indefinitely.

Remember that learning to control your anger and ultimately behave in a more productive way requires starting now with the view that this is a ‘work in progress’. There is no magic bullet, or blinding light that will take your anger away. You must commit to making the positive changes that are necessary to have a life free of anger outbursts.

3. Do you have a character flaw?

Let’s get right down to it; you may be an angry man and you may stay angry all your life because you are simply too lazy, too weak or too self-indulgent. Perhaps you even like the idea that you can intimidate people through fear and anger.Ouch. Right!Please keep in mind that I’ve sat across from many an angry man. So I’m not judging; I’m just making an observation. Some men think that being the angry man and using intimidating and threatening words means they have the power. Sorry, but thinking that is ‘power,’ is anything but power.

For many, their character flaws are self-indulgence, weakness and self-pity. They have a hard time saying no to themselves when they could so easily justify their anger with the idea that “everyone gets angry at times.”

4. Are you making excuses and playing the Blame-Game?

We want to think our anger is the result of forces outside ourselves – the extended family, the lousy economy, the job situation, the partner not respecting you, the kids shouting back. However, at the end of the day, we need to take responsibility for our own actions.I am talking to you as a respectable working man. You take responsibility for your income, your career prospects, and your social obligations. So why not take responsibility for your anger outbursts? We need to acknowledge our part in the tension in the home. The fact is maybe, just maybe, if you lived with the belief that you are ultimately responsible for your own behaviour, you might just create an environment where together you can weather life’s storms a little better.

5. Is your anger hiding something?

Chances are good that the anger you display is covering up for something in your private life. Perhaps something happened in your earlier formative years that brings a feeling of shame. There could be any number of things that are stuck just below the surface and just because you get violently angry doesn’t mean you know what it is that is hidden.

6. Are you a man of ‘Justice’?

Most of us know right from wrong but we can still get caught doing things that shouldn’t be done. For example, not sticking to the road rules, the speed limit to be more precise. Getting away with stuff that should be punishable. Do you find yourself coming to the defense of others even if you don’t know them? Do you hate seeing injustice and that gets you all fired up? Sometimes this can be mistaken for depression. As you become increasingly powerless in the face of injustice you start to retreat into yourself and hate the world. Under the mild mannered surface is a raging inferno, ready to blow as the slightest sign of unfair treatment.

If you can identify with any of these then you should probably be seeking some help. Even if it is just to get a ‘check up’. Remember that anger can and will wreak your relationship guaranteed.

Not only will you reek havoc on your family but you will be teaching your children to do the same. They will either become the aggressor or the victim with no middle ground.

Don’t let shame prevent you from seeking the help you need. You and your family deserve a better future.

Until next time. God Bless.

Jul

What Fixed Belief is Hiding Behind Your Anger?

Is Anger always Negative?

Anger is in fact an emotion that can be used for good and more often than not, for bad. But it is worth keeping in mind that it is not always a negative emotion.

Like all emotions, anger can be controlled. Just like you can withhold laughter, or stop the flow of tears, you can stop being angry. Of course saying you can stop your anger rages and outbursts is one thing, actually stopping them is quite another.

The problem is of course is that with anger there is another emotion that lies underneath. For many of you who get angry on a regular basis you might find it difficult to identify this other emotion. For a lot of angry men, this is one emotion that they do not want people to see that they have.

But of course all emotions are universal, unless you’re a psychopath, but that’s another topic. So trying to hide an emotion successfully is like trying to hold your breath indefinitely. Sooner or later that emotion surfaces or you die from no oxygen. And for a lot of angry males this other emotion is hidden under the surface and masquerading as anger.

What is that other emotion? Of course it is fear.

Why is Fear related to Anger?

‘Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response.’

You could almost replace the word ‘fear’ with ‘anger’ and still get the same answer. So they are often intertwined. So now you might be thinking why am I raising fear with anger.

…Lets suppose for moment that every angry man is hiding something. Something that he himself doesn’t even understand. A better way is to suggest that he has buried something deep within himself and can’t bear to have a look at it. In fact he will do almost anything to avoid being reminded of this. He will go to such lengths as, dare we say, hit someone, bash a stranger, or kill his partner. He will get to extreme levels of violence to avoid this ‘PAIN’.

Now most men don’t get to the level of harming those they love but I would imagine many have come very close. Before I go any further please understand that I do not condone violence on any level ever! There is no justification for it unless you need to protect someone’s life from someone else trying to kill them.

If there are people or organisations out there who have suggested to you that doing ‘anger’ exercises will solve anger issues for you then they only telling you half the story. They are well meaning and I support them in their attempts to help angry people but the biggest part of the recovery is not being told.

The role of Fixed-Beliefs and Anger

There is another aspect of anger that very few people in counselling mention, let alone understand. Without this understanding anger cannot be managed properly and any interventions are short-lived.

So what is the third string in this bow? A fixed-belief. For many of us, regardless of our emotions hold many fixed-beliefs, about ourselves, our environment and the world at large.

But what is particularly important about the fixed-belief of an angry man is that it is almost always untrue. Because as you can see, in the word ‘belief’ there is a ‘lie’.

So what is this fixed-belief that drives a lot of men, and women, to anger and sometimes rage?

Well that is a difficult question to ask without having the opportunity to talk with someone face-to-face but ultimately, for men in particular, it is the fear of being inadequate and that fear leads to shame.

Shame is the silent killer of all men. Please keep in mind that avoiding shame is the goal of most men and we will go to extraordinary lengths to achieve it.

So if you, or someone you know is experiencing a high level of anger on a regular basis then you or they need to seek help. Remember that your anger is hiding a fear and that fear is feeding a fixed-belief. And the good news is that fixed-belief is not true.

Ultimately that fixed-belief is built on a feeling of inadequacy or not measuring up. There are a number of other important core hurts that contribute to an angry state but being inadequate is top of the pecking order. And so in order to understand and appreciate this fact, those with anger issues need to talk to someone and uncover the driving force that controls your life.

You will be glad you made the effort, and so will your partner, family and friends.