May

Intimacy Problems in a Relationship

Common Reasons for Intimacy Problems in a Relationship

A lot of men have intimacy problems because they have been taught to believe that vulnerability is a weakness; that men must be strong and in control. This perceived need for men to hide any weakness can interfere with their ability to experience real closeness. But intimacy always involves some degree of vulnerability.

Intimacy is emotional closeness when two people are able to be open with one another and reveal their true feeling, thoughts, fear and desires. It is more than just touching, kissing, holding hands or having sex. But this can only occur when both parties are genuinely trusting of one another and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable. Intimacy is a universal human need; without it we experience loneliness. And this lack of intimacy is one of the most common reasons for the breakdown of relationships.

Mar

Getting better at listening | Brisbane Couples Counselling

The Three P’s Technique: For better communication

This technique was prompted by one of my clients. He had found that the arguments between him and his wife were all about reaction and no listening for meaning or understanding. He called it the Three P’s. Pause, Process and Respond. Ok, that’s two P’s and an R. But for simplicities’ sake and making it memorable let’s stick with the three P’s.

In communication with your partner, when you feel yourself getting heated or feel that you are going to say things you might later regret then you can use the 3P’s technique. Before you read on, do you know the difference between react and respond. Well, think about those two words while you read the rest of this post.

The first P is for Pause: Firstly, you pause, take a moment, recognise what is happening. The second P is for Process: Process the event, what is being said, why it is being said and what is it about. To process effectively you need to consider your own behaviour. If there is a hint of blame in there somewhere then best to do some more processing. Then when, and only when, you think you can respond effectively to your partner, then speak. Pause process and respond.

It works like this: Your partner says something to you that would normally get a rise out of you. Normally you may react to the statement or request for example by either getting defensive or biting back. You may even do the stonewall thing, that’s the John Gottman term for shutting the other person out and going cold on them.

I would imagine that this behaviour yields little return. I mean, imagine you serve an Ace every time in a Tennis match. Yes, it is true that you might feel like a winner the first 2-3 times of acing your partner but that gets pretty old pretty quick. After all you are there to play a game. Relationships and communication are much the same as tennis only the outcome should be that both parties win. Volley, return, volley return, and volley. Makes for a great game of tennis and back and forth with mutual respect and understanding makes for good communication.

So, when she or he says something you might want to disagree with, take a moment. Pause and think what is being said. Consider if it is directed at you and your character or a statement about your behaviour. Or is it something they always say that has nothing to do with you. Process the statement, request clarification if needed are and then, after careful consideration, respond. And please remember to ask yourself this question: Is your response going to increase or decrease the pressure? Are you responding in an adult like fashion or is your need to be ‘in the right’ getting the better of you?

Jun

9 Behaviours to Improve Your Relationship

Creating meaningful relationships takes effort…

If there were just a few proven ways to increase the chances of a relationship succeeding, the 9 tips provided in this post would probably be among them. Taken from research and evidence based practice we understand that men and women often have the same needs but are expressed differently.

…Women reach out in ways that sometimes are perplexing to the average man and this post is an attempt to show men what that reaching out might look like and, how to respond appropriately and what traps to avoid.

…While ignoring just one of these points will not determine the success or failure of your relationship put together they present an overwhelming case for separation. While this post is directly mainly towards men, women will gain a lot from reading it also. So applying these suggestions to your relationship will improve the communication and in all likelihood create a better partnership:

1. Listen to what she is saying

The rule here is to pay attention to her attempts to connect with you. This is in effect what she is doing. Your partner is attempting to make contact and a connection with you. She may be talking about her workday and describing ‘who said what and where and how’, how her boss is overlooking her contributions and so on. It critical that you empathise with her here. Turn from whatever else is distracting you and give her your full attention. Leave the phone down, turn off the box and focus. When she sees that you are listening she feels connected. And one last thing’ try not to offer any solutions at this time. Just be there and listen.

2. Acknowledge what she is saying

When you acknowledge that her opinions are valued, or at the very least she is adding constructively to the conversation then this really shows that you care. Often when men don’t want to listen or acknowledge her contribution they clam up and attempt to remain silent until she has lost interest in talking to you. This is called stonewalling and research shows that stonewalling can contribute to a failed marriage.

3. Respect her opinion and influence

Following on from point 2 you must allow yourself to be influenced by her opinions and suggestions. Getting into the habit of bouncing ideas off each other and validating what she is saying will be the beginning of mutual understanding and gratitude.

4. Compliment her on what she is wearing

Its no secret that woman dress for other women but really appreciate your opinion and being validated. So before she even has the chance to say “How do I look”? Tell her. “Honey you look beautiful in that dress”. Don’t make stuff up but equally don’t hold back. A genuine comment that is kind and sensitive will get you in the good books.

5. Approach intimacy with her needs in mind

Your partner has a need for intimacy just as you have a need for sex. Learn to give her that intimacy by being kind, thoughtful and caring. Your desire for sex will morph into intimacy and both partners’ need’s will be met. There are countless books, DVD’s websites out there that can help you create that intimacy but why start by asking her what she wants.

6. Stop putting her down or belittling her

With just a few kind words you can lift her up and make her feel special. A number of potentially bad habits such as comparing her to other women should be stopped immediately. Research shows that to create a meaningful relationship there needs to be 5 positive comments made to your partner for every one bad comment made. One very powerful way to do this is find things you are grateful for in the relationship and tell her. Telling her she is a great mum and caring neighour is good for the soul.

7. Showing displays of empathy

The order of the day here is to display kind tender affections to your wife and allowing her to offload junk from the day. Empathy is about identifying and understanding where she is coming from and how she feels at that moment. Doing this will demonstrate to her that you are on the same side and you ‘have her back’.

8. Make Apologising a habit, and mean it

Saying sorry for messing up equates to admitting you are only human after all. It does not by any stretch mean you are inadequate.” If you make an apology then you are admitting that you value the relationship because you care for her. Keep in mind that avoiding having to make an apology means justifying your own behaviour, and it shows. An apology means something quite different to a woman than a man. Making an apology shows that you are taking responsibility for your part of the relationship.

9. Always make a genuine attempt to discuss issues.

When she says “We can’t go on like this” she is saying something totally different to what you are hearing. What she is saying is that the way you argue has to change, not “This is the end of the relationship”. So don’t panic and refer to point 1. Listen! Women will often engage in an argument, not to win, but to connect. It’s their way of saying ‘lets talk about this awkward situation’. They want to thrash it out with you not against you.

Following these simple rules can increase the love between you and go along way to ensuring that you have a long and fruitful relationship. But if you want to avoid feelings of remorse, guilt, blame and shame then it would be advisable to consider these points.

As a male counsellor I am committed to helping men create better relationships with the women they love. Making deeply held connections with your partner not only strengthens the relationship but creates an atmosphere of love and companionship.

Jul

Men And Anger Control Problems

Men out there, can you control your anger?

…You hate getting angry.

…You promised your partner you wouldn’t let your anger consume you. But here you are – fuming again. And regardless of how you got here, again, you want to get advice for better anger control.

Picture this! Your partner raises a once very scary issue with you. But this time you calmly listen to her and together you come up with a plan to solve it. She may say something like: “I don’t think we have enough money this month to cover all these bills” And you say: “Ok honey, where do you think we might be able to delay payment or – (fill in the space) -. Lets look at our options!”

Wouldn’t that be nice eh! NO anger, just reasonable responses to reasonable situations. Unfortunately there is a long way between the first paragraph and the next paragraph if you are prone to anger. A very long way!

…Imagine no more explosions of anger. No more threatening behaviour. No more begging and pleading for forgiveness. No more depressive mood swings. Can you imagine your partner’s delight and surprise to discover that the man she loves has changed into a loving caring partner and father? The kids will even want to hang with you. Would you dare to believe that anxiety would vanish, depression become a thing of the past, and you see a family worth fighting for?

With a few simple tools and an attitude adjustment you can make the change for better anger control. But before you embark on life changing heart and head surgery you must first identify and eliminate a few things in your life that are preventing you from giving your best.

If you answer YES to any of these questions then it is probably time to take a good hard look at yourself and your behaviour. Nothing is scarier than a man who doesn’t know why he is angry.

6 Things to consider for better anger control:

1. Are you surrounding yourself with the wrong people?

You will never get ahead or break bad habits if you are running with a crowd that is constantly trying to one up one another or encourage each other to do stupid reckless acts. I am not suggesting you to ditch your good friends, but I do think it’s smart to consider whether your friends always act in your best interests.Likewise listen to their language and make a distinction between words that promote healthy thinking or words that bring others down.Instead, look for like-minded people who appreciate you for who you are even if you can’t be doing some of the things you did in the past.

2. Do you have an “as soon as…” mentality?

This is the downfall of many. There is always had an excuse for why you can’t get your anger under control.

As soon as the holidays are over, I’ll do an anger course.
As soon as I get a better paying job, I’ll stop being angry.
As soon as she stops arguing with me I’ll stop getting angry.
As soon as I get the respect I deserve the sooner I will quit shouting.
As soon as the kids start doing what I say I’ll start being calmer.

The timing will never be perfect. Smart anger management is like dieting and exercise. You will always find a reason to put it off. Waiting for the stars to align is a sure-fire way to remain an angry man indefinitely.

Remember that learning to control your anger and ultimately behave in a more productive way requires starting now with the view that this is a ‘work in progress’. There is no magic bullet, or blinding light that will take your anger away. You must commit to making the positive changes that are necessary to have a life free of anger outbursts.

3. Do you have a character flaw?

Let’s get right down to it; you may be an angry man and you may stay angry all your life because you are simply too lazy, too weak or too self-indulgent. Perhaps you even like the idea that you can intimidate people through fear and anger.Ouch. Right!Please keep in mind that I’ve sat across from many an angry man. So I’m not judging; I’m just making an observation. Some men think that being the angry man and using intimidating and threatening words means they have the power. Sorry, but thinking that is ‘power,’ is anything but power.

For many, their character flaws are self-indulgence, weakness and self-pity. They have a hard time saying no to themselves when they could so easily justify their anger with the idea that “everyone gets angry at times.”

4. Are you making excuses and playing the Blame-Game?

We want to think our anger is the result of forces outside ourselves – the extended family, the lousy economy, the job situation, the partner not respecting you, the kids shouting back. However, at the end of the day, we need to take responsibility for our own actions.I am talking to you as a respectable working man. You take responsibility for your income, your career prospects, and your social obligations. So why not take responsibility for your anger outbursts? We need to acknowledge our part in the tension in the home. The fact is maybe, just maybe, if you lived with the belief that you are ultimately responsible for your own behaviour, you might just create an environment where together you can weather life’s storms a little better.

5. Is your anger hiding something?

Chances are good that the anger you display is covering up for something in your private life. Perhaps something happened in your earlier formative years that brings a feeling of shame. There could be any number of things that are stuck just below the surface and just because you get violently angry doesn’t mean you know what it is that is hidden.

6. Are you a man of ‘Justice’?

Most of us know right from wrong but we can still get caught doing things that shouldn’t be done. For example, not sticking to the road rules, the speed limit to be more precise. Getting away with stuff that should be punishable. Do you find yourself coming to the defense of others even if you don’t know them? Do you hate seeing injustice and that gets you all fired up? Sometimes this can be mistaken for depression. As you become increasingly powerless in the face of injustice you start to retreat into yourself and hate the world. Under the mild mannered surface is a raging inferno, ready to blow as the slightest sign of unfair treatment.

If you can identify with any of these then you should probably be seeking some help. Even if it is just to get a ‘check up’. Remember that anger can and will wreak your relationship guaranteed.

Not only will you reek havoc on your family but you will be teaching your children to do the same. They will either become the aggressor or the victim with no middle ground.

Don’t let shame prevent you from seeking the help you need. You and your family deserve a better future.

Until next time. God Bless.

Jul

What Fixed Belief is Hiding Behind Your Anger?

Is Anger always Negative?

Anger is in fact an emotion that can be used for good and more often than not, for bad. But it is worth keeping in mind that it is not always a negative emotion.

Like all emotions, anger can be controlled. Just like you can withhold laughter, or stop the flow of tears, you can stop being angry. Of course saying you can stop your anger rages and outbursts is one thing, actually stopping them is quite another.

The problem is of course is that with anger there is another emotion that lies underneath. For many of you who get angry on a regular basis you might find it difficult to identify this other emotion. For a lot of angry men, this is one emotion that they do not want people to see that they have.

But of course all emotions are universal, unless you’re a psychopath, but that’s another topic. So trying to hide an emotion successfully is like trying to hold your breath indefinitely. Sooner or later that emotion surfaces or you die from no oxygen. And for a lot of angry males this other emotion is hidden under the surface and masquerading as anger.

What is that other emotion? Of course it is fear.

Why is Fear related to Anger?

‘Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles, among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response.’

You could almost replace the word ‘fear’ with ‘anger’ and still get the same answer. So they are often intertwined. So now you might be thinking why am I raising fear with anger.

…Lets suppose for moment that every angry man is hiding something. Something that he himself doesn’t even understand. A better way is to suggest that he has buried something deep within himself and can’t bear to have a look at it. In fact he will do almost anything to avoid being reminded of this. He will go to such lengths as, dare we say, hit someone, bash a stranger, or kill his partner. He will get to extreme levels of violence to avoid this ‘PAIN’.

Now most men don’t get to the level of harming those they love but I would imagine many have come very close. Before I go any further please understand that I do not condone violence on any level ever! There is no justification for it unless you need to protect someone’s life from someone else trying to kill them.

If there are people or organisations out there who have suggested to you that doing ‘anger’ exercises will solve anger issues for you then they only telling you half the story. They are well meaning and I support them in their attempts to help angry people but the biggest part of the recovery is not being told.

The role of Fixed-Beliefs and Anger

There is another aspect of anger that very few people in counselling mention, let alone understand. Without this understanding anger cannot be managed properly and any interventions are short-lived.

So what is the third string in this bow? A fixed-belief. For many of us, regardless of our emotions hold many fixed-beliefs, about ourselves, our environment and the world at large.

But what is particularly important about the fixed-belief of an angry man is that it is almost always untrue. Because as you can see, in the word ‘belief’ there is a ‘lie’.

So what is this fixed-belief that drives a lot of men, and women, to anger and sometimes rage?

Well that is a difficult question to ask without having the opportunity to talk with someone face-to-face but ultimately, for men in particular, it is the fear of being inadequate and that fear leads to shame.

Shame is the silent killer of all men. Please keep in mind that avoiding shame is the goal of most men and we will go to extraordinary lengths to achieve it.

So if you, or someone you know is experiencing a high level of anger on a regular basis then you or they need to seek help. Remember that your anger is hiding a fear and that fear is feeding a fixed-belief. And the good news is that fixed-belief is not true.

Ultimately that fixed-belief is built on a feeling of inadequacy or not measuring up. There are a number of other important core hurts that contribute to an angry state but being inadequate is top of the pecking order. And so in order to understand and appreciate this fact, those with anger issues need to talk to someone and uncover the driving force that controls your life.

You will be glad you made the effort, and so will your partner, family and friends.

Until next time. God Bless.

Jun

Sharing Housework Increases Intimacy

It’s no secret! Sharing housework increases intimacy for couples

Sharing housework increases intimacy | Counselling Brisbane Here is some sound advice. Sharing housework duties increases intimacy. Research has shown that women are often required to do more around the home than their husbands/partners. They are often also expected to work full-time and do the child rearing. If you are honest you can see that this really is not a fair deal. It is no surprise that it is often a topic of discussion in the counselling environment.

If it is your intention to increase the level of intimacy between you and your female partner then here are some reasons why you should be contributing to the housework. Back to the research which says that people report higher and more satisfying levels of intimacy, and this includes sex, when both partners are involved in doing chores, hanging washing, cleaning up and so on.

Are you sharing the housework?

It is not uncommon for women to hear ‘You and me’ equals ‘us’ in most shared things but when it comes to housework it’s ‘hers’. Men will often can spend hours cleaning their beloved car yet not ten minutes vacuuming the house? There exists a close correlation between the amount of housework you do, or don’t do, and the amount of sexual intimacy you are both experiencing?

According to some researchers those men who participate in housework get better sex, and a better overall relationship, and generally experience better marriages. So not only is cleaning the house good for physical life, it’s also good for your sex life!

It is not often th Sharing housework increases intimacy | Counselling Brisbane at the words ‘respect’ and ‘housework’ are found together. Doing our share of the housework equates to her feeling that she is being respected. She sees your helping out as you respecting and honouring her. So just remember she wants respect just as much as you do. Doing one’s fair share around the house is not only necessary, but ultimately beneficial to your relationship.

So what is your fair share?

It may be changing the sheets, throwing them in the laundry, vacuuming and/or washing the floors. you might even consider hanging the washing. Whatever activity is chosen be sure to do it with a corporative attitude. If you are committed to lean a hand, then start by showing some keenness. For those of you unfamiliar with a good strategy do as follows. The real trick is to get into a rhythm. Throw on some of that favourite music, play it loud, have a strategy in place and GO!

Housework is not hard, its just time consuming. It can also be very therapeutic.

Ask what chores you can do and what you should be responsible for. If you need some explanation just ask her. Asking for some cleaning advice is humbling but she will see it differently. She will love you for it. What are you in this relationship for in the first place? If I am not mistaken it is to share a life with that special person in your life. I said ‘SHARE’. Sharing is caring. What part of NOT helping around the house is ‘sharing’.

At the end of the day I want to say to you that you owe it to your partner to pull your weight. She deserves your respect and you need to give her it.

My last tip is….

Sharing housework increases intimacy | Counselling brisbane
Good luck!

May

7 Ways To Reconnect With Your Wife – Must Read Relationship Advice

It all comes down to communication….

If one word could summarise the following list it would be communication. It is not always true that when couples are talking they are communicating. Sometimes, as is the case with many men, they think they are communicating but in fact they are just being present, and even that can be fleeting. The Gottman Institute has carried out hundreds if not thousands of hours of research into why couples divorce and why they stay together.

They then discovered that there are a number of factors that can determine if a relationship is going to make it. This has been borne out in therapy rooms all over the world including Australia. From personal experience as a counsellor hearing the stories of relationships lost I can attest to the Gottman research. New information continues to surface that suggests that these 7 ways to reconnect with your wife are truly life changing.

1. Listen

2. Acknowledge

3. Engage (demand-withdraw)

4. Apologise

5. Accept Influence

6. Share

7. Be Pro-active

It is my firm belief that if you can learn adopt these strategies you will greatly reduce the likelihood of experiencing a separation or worse still, a divorce. That is not all. It is fully expected that you could well be on your way to a fantastic intimate relationship.

What one man didn’t do – A true story:

Some years ago a recently separated man came to therapy. His wife of 18 years had recently and suddenly informed him that the relationship was over. Naturally he was very hurt, confused and angry with his wife for suddenly leaving him.To him it came out of the blue that she up and left with not so much as a “Go to Hell!” No amount of promises to change persuaded her to reconsider and she did not return.

Unfortunately this man’s story is a familiar one. Many men have poured out their hearts and souls to counsellors all over the world in an attempt to understand and make sense of the separation.

Naturally there are signs to look out for when a relationship is heading for trouble but these simple rules can help anyone avoid problems before they start.

My hope is that you at least consider what is outlined below. In fact you could do yourself a favour and involve your better half in the discussion. Reconnect with your wife from today!

How to apply these 7 golden rules?

Rule 1 – Listen!

Reconnect with your wife Listening is more than just being present. Imagine for a moment that you are observing a group of women sitting around a café table and chatting. Watch them talk then listen, talk then listen. In the meantime they are making approving sounds like ‘oh ok’ ‘oh and then what happened?’ They will keep eye contact and nod or make facial expressions that indicate to the other woman that what they are saying is important.

Now imagine for a moment that you are part of the conversation but when it comes to your turn to talk, you must first acknowledge and paraphrase back to them what the previous speaker said, and you must allow them to correct you if you misunderstood. A final word of warning. Do not attempt to offer a solution.

Your wife or partner is not looking for you to solve her problems. She just wants to know that you support her. She needs to know that you are on her side and above all you are present and listening. If she wants you to help her solve a problem she will tell you. Here are a couple of tips to get you started:

Keep eye contact at all times while talking
Nod or shake your head in unison with her explanations.
Say things like: “Wow, what happened then?” “You must have felt terrible” Be sure to make the sounds that indicate you are listening.

Remember listening is very powerful and demonstrates a level of care that is attractive to you spouse.

Rule 2 – Acknowledge her input

7 ways to reconnect with your wife Acknowledge her contribution, acknowledge her opinions and acknowledge her input. Acknowledge that she has a valuable contribution to make and that without that contribution you are sunk. Give her space to tell you how she sees things and allow her to influence you. You can say things like “I see your point” “I hadn’t thought to look at it that way”. Both of you will grow in confidence as you have open discussions.

Rule 3 – Engage

When talking to anyone there is always the risk of talking about absolutely nothing and just waffling. I mean you have experienced this when talking with other men right. We tend to just talk crap. You can do this with your wife too but only expect that at some point the conversation will drift to more meaningful stuff. After all, you are in an intimate relationship right? This is where rules 1 and 2 come into play. But now you become more involved in the conversation with a back and forth flow happening. Give her access to your fears and concerns. Talk to her about what bugs you at work for example and what you are thinking about doing. Share your life with her. Allow her into your world. Remember the Demand-Withdraw rule and catch yourself when you feel you are subconsciously running away from her.

Rule 4 – Apologise

Don’t abandon me here fellas. Confessing to a mistake takes us right to the heart of shame. It is not so much about being wrong as it is about not wanting to feel shame. Saying sorry opens us up to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. We are at our most vulnerable when we have to admit a mistake or apologise. It’s a man thing and women find it very difficult to understand. The trick here is not to fight it. Just bite your tongue and apologise. Initially there will be fall out. Her jaw dropping and tongue falling out of her mouth in shock for one thing. An appropriate apologise opens up the lines of communication so stay the course.

Rule 5 – Accept influence

I briefly mentioned this above but it is important that you allow yourself to accept influence from her. An example might be that you want to head off on a camping holiday with mates. But she suggests that the family goes camping instead. She may give you very sound reasons for doing that and this is where you need to be influenced. You may find the discussion is really about quality time with the family and your involvement in their lives rather than your need to bond with other males. The important to remember here, is that you can only make an informed decision once you may all the facts. Listening to her side of the story gives you that opportunity.

Rule 6 – Share

This is where you get to discuss things that are important to you both. You talk about your day, the issues you face at work. When sharing you both get to explore options for remedies for problems you encounter. You get to spend quality looking at issues together and coming up with ways to solve them together.

Rule 7 – Be Pro-active

When you take all of the 6 previous rules and put them together you have a pretty good idea of what to do to enhance your relationship. However when you activate this rule then you are effectively sending your marriage into the stratosphere. So the task ahead is to create opportunities to talk, create opportunities to be together, create opportunities to listen and be listened to. When you say to your partner “Lets go out for coffee Saturday morning” you are being pro-active in creating an opportunity. Saying things like “Tell me about your day” is taking the initiative and staying ahead of the curve. It demonstrates to your partner that you are willing to listen, willing to be influenced, willing to engage and so on. So go ahead and create! I would like to encourage you to take a good hard look at your current behaviour to determine where you might be able to make small changes for the chance to see big results.

There is no point being the King-of-the-Castle if she is not in it.

Apr

Welcome to my first ever post – Paul Baker Relationship Counselling

Relationship Counselling Advice To Every Woman and Man Out There!

Hi there and welcome to my first ever blog post. I dedicate this relationship counselling blog to give away relationship advice. I have to confess this is as scary as hell. I have discovered that you can get yourself tied in knots wondering how to write, construct, edit and upload blogs. That’s not to mention the wealth of knowledge, expertise and advice floating out there in internet land, especially about relationship coaching and advice.

Everything from your target audience to SEO and SEM, from key words to Google Analytics has to be taken into consideration. What are you going to say, how are you going to say it and who’s listening.

For me the biggest question I needed to ask was “Why am I doing this, relationship coaching”? “Why write a blog”? If you haven’t already figured it out, I am actually writing this first blog to myself. I need to calm my nerves. Naturally for any blog to be successful it needs an audience and a message. The right message should bring the audience. Having a rant about anything and everything is going to get old real quick.

Lifesupportsfoto-150x150 I am attempting to avoid that even though this particular blog post might appear to fall into the category of rant of the highest order. Please stick with me. At least for this post.

If you are a thinking person then you probably don’t want to be wasting your time any more than I want to be responsible for wasting it. But I have a message. In fact there are lots of people out there and around the world that have the same message, or at least its in the same vain. The difference is my perspective. My worldview and apparently that goes for anyone who is serious about getting their voice heard.

This blog is all about you and how I can help you improve your relationship with my advice…

So I want those of you reading this post to know that this blog is not about me, yes its my perspective but it is ultimately about you, particularly if you are a man, or a woman and in an intimate ‘committed’ relationship. Relationship advice is what this blog all about.

Admittedly I am coming at this thing from a male perspective, with good experience giving relationship advice. I mean seriously, how else can I approach it? At the risk of making this my last ever blog post because of the damn length I think I need to tell you how I got here and why I think what I have to say is important and hopefully helpful to you.

I have always been fascinated by the interactions between people, the relationships, the communication styles and love to name just a couple of reasons. I have been a qualified counsellor for around 7 years now and I also hold a BA in Behavioural Science. Sounds flashy but really it boils down to having a degree in psychology.

That said, my first, and as it turns out, most rewarding placement has been with an organisation in Brisbane North area that deals specifically with men and their issues. I have had the privilege of taking men through anger management classes and courses on countless occasions. I cannot count the amount of times I have had to deal with relationship breakdowns and marriage counselling and divorce.

Now that is where my message is coming from. Not the organisation but my years of sitting in front of men and listening to their stories. I feel I am qualified to talk about it. I have earned the right.

You might be mistaken for thinking that men are pretty simple creatures but nothing could be further from the truth. We are damn complicated and we live complicated internal lives. That’s the long and short of it. Enough said! In this blog anyway.

Follow my counselling journey…

I invite you to stick around because I am going to attempt to show men out there why they do the things they do and help woman understand what is going on inside the head of the men they love. I will do my damnedest to help you make sense of your marriage or relationship and and provide you with the tools and relationship counselling and advice to make it awesome and even truly amazing, if it is already great. Being in a ‘committed’ relationship requires a lot of work but more often than not many of us race headlong into this new and exciting relationship without taking the time to not only discover the other person’s perspective but also establish the ground rules, or what I call “Create Expectations”.

Relationships bring out the best in us and the worst in us. Who is not going to agree that?! In my experience with giving relationship counselling services and advice, its what you do with the ‘ugly’ that determines how and if your relationship survives. Think of it like this: The ‘best’ parts should create the foundation and this will determine the soundness of the building. The structure is the dream/ideal relationship you want but can only be as beautiful and rewarding as the quality of the tools used to build it. Having the right tools and knowledge can mean the difference between a shack and a mansion.

But friends I must confess, and I think that it is appropriate to tell you here.

‘If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything’

Malcolm X

I stand for marriage.

Please stick around and discover why I think that. The evidence is in and marriage presents the best case for the best outcome you could possibly hope for. Marriage is like the concrete in the foundation. It creates a solid base to work from and It ain’t going anywhere. I believe I have earned the right to say why this is true. And I have the stories to back that up.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Paul Baker Relationship Counselling Brisbane.

My next post is a little tongue-in-check but I am trying to get a point across to as many men as possible.

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